Mind Your Own Dog’s Business

I’m sure we’ve all been there – strangers telling you how to raise your dog child. It takes every bit of strength you have not to unstrap your pup’s training collar and wrap it around the accuser’s neck “too tight” while repeatedly pushing the button on the highest setting. Okay, while the incident today wasn’t exactly an unwelcome tip as to what’s best for Ella, it was borderline a question of how well I know my own child’s elimination habits. 

Our bike ride started out the same as any other, except for the slight blanket of snow on the ground. There were fresh dog and human tracks along the path that Ella had her nose glued to the whole way to the corner of the subdivision. When we reached the corner, we made a left into the neighborhood, Ella right beside me on my bike as always. Barely making it past the stop sign, between the neighborhood sidewalk and road, she quickly squatted as lady-like as was possible with a public audience. Not more than five seconds later, she was up and off again, her sniffer working overtime. 

It just so happened at that moment, a guy was pulling into the subdivision and into the first driveway in front of us. We hadn’t even made it beyond the brick wall tht marked the entrance to the neighborhood, before he had his window rolled down yelling, “hey, did your dog just poop back there?!” His tone was about as arrogant as could be, like he was trying to impress some uninterested woman by starting a fight with me. “No, she just peed,” was all I said back. He ended the conversation with an “oh, okay,” but I was already pedaling past his driveway. I didn’t turn around to look, but I am confident he probably went to check for sure that I wasn’t lying. Afterwards, I couldn’t help but feel like Ella and I were being scrutinized by pairs of eyes looking out the windows of every house we went by for the duration of our ride.

Now, I understand it’s a $500 fine for any person you catch not picking up thier dog’s poo piles, and the guy didn’t know me or Ella (and never will with that act), but I’d much rather have to scrub fully digested kibble out from under my fingernails than pay a $500 fine. Luckily, the only time I’ve forgotten a bag on a walk was during the fall, and I’d never been as thankful for all the dead leaves. They work just as well, are free, AND are fully biodegradable.

Not everyone does pick up after their dog. We see petrified turds all the time along the sidewalks. We weren’t even close to his yard, and technically the area of grass between the sidewalk and road isn’t even his property anyway. But if you see a dog in the process of relieving itself, be sure it’s in the posture circled below before you go accusing and making a scene if the owner doesn’t bend down to pick something up. Just mind your own dog’s business and don’t be like the guy Ella and I had the pleasure of meeting today, or you could end up with a full bag of fire on your front porch. 

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Understanding Underwear

Women are an unexplained mystery I think ranks right up there with the likes of the Bermuda Triangle and Bigfoot. Just when you think you finally have them figured out, they find a way to throw you off track and keep you guessing. But what’s even more of a mystery than women? The motivation behind their underwear.

The other week, after taking a trip to Victoria’s Secret with Erica (my wife), I asked her what compels women to wear fancy underwear. I’m still as confused as ever even after talking to her, but according to what she said, women like their underwear to match their total outfit. Like an accessory. An accessory that no one ever sees. Makes sense, right? Let me go buy an expensive sports car and always leave it parked in the garage with the cover on.

And of course, we all know Victoria’s Secret underwear is not cheap. I mean, we are talking upwards of $25 per pair if it’s not on sale. And she wonders why I wore the same ten pair for eight years until they had holes in them. It was so she could afford to buy new underwear every few months after she got bored of the hundred pairs she had. Thank you Roy Raymond for being embarrassed to buy your wife lingerie in a public department store causing you to open up the first Victoria’s Secret. I’ve personally seen the “get me the heck out of here before I die of boredom” looks on hundreds of men being dragged through VS by their wives. So really, Roy, all you managed to do was make women’s underwear really REALLY expensive while keeping men just as embarrassed to discuss their wives’ unmentionables with female strangers. But I digress. 

As Erica and I progressed further into the conversation, she also mentioned women like their underwear to match the outfits they wear because it makes them feel as if they have their life together. So, for all you children wanting to be ghosts this Halloween, make sure you wear your glow-in-the-dark Casper undies, and it’ll be the best you’ve ever felt. Guys, just remember not to go up to that woman in the grocery store who seems to be a complete mess and tell her she should have matched her underwear today. 

Still confused as to why women like to wear their underwear adorned with all the little bows and lace since no one sees them, I asked Erica again why all the hype for fancy underwear. She then tells me that I get to see them. Why, yes! Yes, I do see them. Usually once a week while I’m helping fold laundry. All kidding aside, she also said that women often change in front of each other and so they tend to see each other in their underwear. Now, to me that made more sense. Fancy underwear is a competition between women to see who can wear their grandmother’s recycled doilies the best.

In the end, I didn’t learn much of anything as to why women wear the underwear that they do. It just makes them feel good to do so, and as men, I guess we really don’t need to understand why. What’s most important is having conversations with your wife about topics that interest her, and enjoying all of the time you get to spend together, even if it means going shopping with her for some new panties. And, you never know, showing an honest interest in her likes just might end with a special gift to you from Victoria’s Secret. Thanks, Roy.